Ep 29: Adoption, Firefighting, and off to College. Breaking down our 7 month hiatus

We didn’t mean to disappear for seven months… okay, maybe we did. But we’re back! 

Turns out, living through existential dread and trying to raise neurodivergent kids is a full-time gig (with no PTO). But we’ve surfaced—with stories, updates, and an entire dragon-themed Zoom backdrop Gwen can’t figure out how to remove.

In this catch-up episode, Gwen and Kristen are dishing out all the highs, lows, awkward award nights, top hat choices, and job transitions their neurodivergent kids have been navigating. From AmeriCorps fallout and grocery store burnout to college acceptances and Target cashier wins.

We’re celebrating the inchstones (and laughing so we don’t cry).

Quite frankly, we need your help to keep this podcast going. If you want to support us and the production of YDWAHR, consider donating to our GoFundMe here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/fund-the-future-of-you-dont-want-a-hug?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet&attribution_id=sl:05e43f5c-1789-4820-8549-9a5b3e1f75f6 

In this episode, you’ll learn...

• [00:01:00] The fire-breathing Zoom background Gwen can’t figure out

• [00:04:00] Why we really took a break (hint: life was A LOT)

• [00:05:00] Kristen’s son Hayden goes from wildland fires to CSU

• [00:09:00] Jamison gets straight A’s—and learns asking for help is strength

• [00:11:00] Autism Elevated, Target jobs, and inchstones with Graham

• [00:15:00] Gwen’s daughter is officially becoming a Vogelzang!

• [00:18:00] Why guests are banned from Gwen’s house (for now)

• [00:19:00] Graduation night disasters, missed awards, and screaming moms

• [00:23:00] The next chapter: Beacon College + working at a lettuce farm

If you just can't get enough of us, don’t forget to join our newsletter and check out our other projects.

Resources for this episode...

Beacon College (more on this in an upcoming episode!)

Transcript for "Adoption, Firefighting, and off to College. Breaking down our 7 month hiatus."

Gwen: [00:00:00] It is May 23rd, 2025, because the last time we recorded it was 2024. Woo. The day of the Lord. This May 23rd, we are here and we have not talked about what we're gonna say because it, it's been seven months. And I just wanna lead off by saying that I'm disappointed 'cause Kristen and I have been speaking and getting ready for this for about five minutes, and not one word has been said about the dragons in my background.

Oh 

Kristen: indeed. There are. 

Gwen: Hold on as I move my head to the left one. Oh wow. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Count them seven dragons. 

Kristen: Wow. 

Gwen: Is this distracting to you? 

Kristen: Oh, not at all. 

Gwen: Okay. 

Kristen: And they're on fire by tyranny and dragons. That feels actually apropos. It's a good background. It's a good backdrop to our [00:01:00] life at the moment 

Gwen: because you could tell who was using Zoom last.

Yes. And I don't know how to get the shit off of here. 

Kristen: So Well, you're just, you are rocking them. I thought it was actually like some very abstract art happening behind you. I, I, I, your head was, wow, that is aggressive. Your head was blocking the fire breathing part of the dragon. Yeah. 

Gwen: There was only a tail in view and, but when I moved my head to the left, boom, there it is.

Yeah, there it's, I think a screenshot might be called for that we can post to our show notes. 

Kristen: Yeah. 

Gwen: Good idea. Because Is this more distracting? It is a little bit, yeah, because it makes me 

Kristen: left. Okay. Take your head over to the left, please. 

Gwen: Okay, will do. So we're here and. We would say that we haven't meant to be gone this long, but we really have.

Kristen: Yeah, we really did mean it. Sorry. Yeah. 

Gwen: There's just been so much life happening in the [00:02:00] US of a, and we couldn't bring ourselves to function properly most days. Mm-hmm. If I can just speak for both of us. 

Kristen: Yeah, I think you can. I think we've been struggling pretty mightily, existentially down to our daily lives.

Yeah. It's been quite a shift since November and mm-hmm. We are having a hard go at it. 

Gwen: Yeah. And the caretaking roles that we have outside of, you know, existential fear for the safety of our entire country and all those in it. Namely the people we are rearing 

Kristen: Yes. 

Gwen: Has caused us to just not do anything we don't have to do.

And podcasting has fallen into that category. And while the country is certainly not in better hands, we have found a little more space that we can come out. 

Kristen: Mm-hmm. 

Gwen: And share. 'cause there's a lot going on. [00:03:00] That we think is worthy of talking about and other people just being able to hear and maybe learn from.

Kristen: Yeah. I think in a climate where we are no longer, well, we are being prompted to no longer value. People. I. Uh, with disabilities or inclusion, uh, we have lots of positive things to share and so we thought this would be a good time to bring those positives to everybody and to recommit ourselves to our community and to remember that actually what we can do within our family units is a lot for our young adults and our kids with autism.

So that's, that's our message today. 

Gwen: Yeah. And our kids are thriving in all their own unique ways, despite, and that's worth noting to ourselves. Yeah. And to all of you. 

Kristen: Absolutely. 

Gwen: Where do we [00:04:00] wanna start? Do we wanna give some high level updates on what has happened in our respective lives since October?

Kristen: Whew. Well, yeah, I'll give a high level update on, you know, my, my husband and I both are federal employees. My husband works for the National Park Service and I work for University of Colorado. And so we have been learning to navigate the daily barrage of messages and, uh, fear tactics and the looming possibility of losing our roles and the jobs that we've been in in a long time and love so much and feel so passionate about.

But we have only kind of grown stronger and come together around our kids who have had a pretty miraculous. Six months or so in that, Hayden, if you remember, was in AmeriCorps [00:05:00] and in a program called Forest Corps. So he was a certified wild lamb firefighter and was in an amazing program that was in its first year and in April they cut the program or the end of March, they actually cut the program short because the administration cut the funding.

For that program and has now cut AmeriCorps completely from the budget. So Hayden came home a little early, pretty disillusioned and, and, and upset with feeling like it wasn't a value, but learned an insane amount and about what his physical, uh, limitations were and how hard he worked and what he was able to accomplish, and being on very large scale fires.

And learning about fire science and teamwork and fire behavior, and how to be accountable and how to just. How to adult. Yeah, he did an amazing job and we're so [00:06:00] incredibly proud of him. So he's come back home and is with us and will be going back to Colorado State University in the fall in natural resource management because he's been able to determine from that experience that he wants to be in forestry.

That really saving and curating and managing forests in our beautiful west is what he wants to, wants to do. So that's really cool. 

Gwen: I wanna pause on that because this is a kid who, it took a long time for him to find both passion and capability, right? That he felt confident in. He went to college, he's capable of college.

However, college isn't suited for who he is. 

Kristen: Mm-hmm. And 

Gwen: he worked so hard. You worked so hard helping him get to this place and found something that is a beautiful fit that allowed him to [00:07:00] just come alive. 

Kristen: Absolutely. I taught him a lot about, I. Wow. With a lot of structure I can accomplish in insane things, that level of structure probably not sustainable as he moves back into a college space, but he now knows what he's capable of and is learning That structure is a pretty vital part of, of a, a success formula for him.

So it's, it's a pretty huge win. We're, we're really, really proud and excited. 

Gwen: We're trying not to be on fire, angry over the rudeness in which his whole life was just shut off. 

Kristen: Yeah. 

Gwen: Literally overnight, 

Kristen: yes. They were left in the middle of the forest without the ability to purchase gas because the administration had cut off the ability for them to fend any money at all, so they weren't able to run their chainsaws.

Put gas in their truck. Um, so they were literally [00:08:00] stranded in, uh, Tahoe National Forest for quite some time, for a number of weeks. So that was pretty, a disappointing end to a really spectacular year of hard, hard work and volunteerism. So that's, that child and Jameson is, is absolutely crushing life. He just, uh, informed me that he got straight A's this semester.

Oh. Stop. Yes. Which, and he has, oh my gosh. He had switched his major to 3D animation. He has been lit up and is on fire. Was able to get his 5 0 4 in place. And the big, big shift for Jameson was recognizing and understanding that. It was appropriate for him to reach out for help and support and that that was a normal thing to do.

He had internalized ableism to the point where he thought it meant he was less than if he needed support in any way. And so once he was able to break through [00:09:00] that, he's like, wow. It's hard to believe it, but people really do like to help. And there is a community of people that help each other and.

Because you need help doesn't mean you get bad grades. Actually. People that get help get good grades, so. 

Gwen: But he had to find that out for himself, didn't he? 

Kristen: Right. Because maybe we only said it 5,000 times. 

Gwen: Right. And that is irrelevant. 

Kristen: It's so irrelevant when your mother says it. So yes. So there's been incredible success for him and with a lot of the hate towards the transgender community.

I've been really concerned about Jamison's mental health. He's done an amazing job of just insulating himself and putting his head down and. Staying within his community, and he's doing really, really well. 

Gwen: I'm glad that he is as far along in his journey, 

Kristen: yeah. 

Gwen: That he has the fortitude to handle the toxic messaging he's receiving from his government.

Kristen: Yeah. [00:10:00] So that's, we'll leave it there. Yeah. That child's holding steady and then Graham. Has just had an explosion of growth. Uh, that feels like it's measured in inches. 

Gwen: Yes. Inches, which feel like miles, inch 

Kristen: miles. Inch stones. Right. Is that Inch stones? Inch stones, yeah. The work that we've done with autism elevated.

And now I actually, I don't remember if I mentioned this the last time that we all got together, but I ended up working for Autism Elevated. I was so impressed with the programming and I don't know that we've even talked about Autism. Elevated. Yeah, it's a, it's a small company. It's myself and, and, uh, another co-founder named Udi.

And, uh, he also is the parent of an autistic young man who it has been searching for a career. And so the program that's been developed is to help autistic young adults with career planning. And so he developed a specialized assessment that [00:11:00] doesn't only look at skills, but also looks at what's the right environmental fit.

'cause that's everything for our kids. And we went through this process, Graham and I together, and it really shifted our whole relationship and how I support him in the way I speak to him. And it's been a pretty amazing thing. And Graham was able to get employment at Target and work there for a number of months.

In an environment that we thought there was no way he would be able to handle it was really tough. It was just a cashier position, so he wasn't able to move around into other positions in the store. But he mastered it and he did such a great job, and his self-confidence and his belief in himself and his self-esteem just exploded.

And he decided ultimately that that wasn't the right environment for him. But he gave two weeks notice. He did. Yes. And he's been living out the two weeks notice and he gave [00:12:00] them bulleted reasons why it wasn't a right fit for him. 

Gwen: Oh, bless. 

Kristen: Yeah. And 

Gwen: he's grown lots of inches physically. 

Kristen: Yes. He's also very large man.

He's very tall, so we're just so proud of him. He's also been going out into the community with a provider. Called. We Evolve and on Thursdays he's goes out with other young autistic adults and they go to coffee shop and play board games and go out to lunch and just hang out together and build community.

And that has also just. Helped him immensely. And that's not something I feel like six months ago we could have talked him into even with like a financial incentive. No, he just wouldn't have left his room. And so the moral of of the story is Graham has left his room after a number of years of kind of.

Autistic burnout and really, really struggling to know where to, how, where, and how to show up in the world. [00:13:00] He is showing up in ways that are just kind of blowing our minds. So all of the Kaiser young adults are just doing an amazing job. And so that's our great update. That is a great update, friend. Yeah.

Gwen: We're not gonna ask how you've been doing. 

Kristen: Don't, 

Gwen: because the update will take a real strong turn straight down into the depths of help. Right? 

Kristen: Yeah. It's just been tough in other ways, but, but Greg does still have a job, Greg, as of today. He has a job. 

Gwen: Your job has been completely eliminated financially, budget wise, but we're not even gonna go.

We're not even gonna go. We're not even gonna go there. Not going. My update. 

Kristen: I don't How do you even encapsulate? Dunno. How do you encapsulate what just happened? 

Gwen: I don't know. Let's see. Let's start with Reagan. 

Kristen: Oh, 

Gwen: that's easy, [00:14:00] right? She is about to graduate from the eighth grade and go into high school.

She is just hilarious. And. Had a fantastic seventh grade, eighth grade year. She is our dyslexic kiddo and she conquers her dyslexia like a champ and works really hard to get her bees, and we couldn't be more proud of those bees. She's been happy and healthy and she's gonna go into a program in high school that's more project-based learning, which should speak more into her skillset and her social abilities.

'cause she's our social little butterfly. Loved by all. So that's our Ray. Ray Mar has been with us a little over a year. You have all, I know you've all met her briefly. Uh, the last time we recorded, I believe she did our last word. [00:15:00] So we're, we're at a year and her adoption should be finalized in the next month.

So that was not a given. That was not even an option, but it's what she wanted. She wants to be a Vogel saying, and we wanted her to feel like she had autonomy. Over her life and she had a say. And since we were open to adopting, we charged forward and expected that that happened and it's happening. So we will have a huge party for her on adoption day, which should happen right before her 18th birthday.

Kristen: Wow. 

Gwen: She has been doing some virtual school to close out the year and we'll be starting a new school in the fall, and so lots of transitions for her, but she's great. You know, there is a honeymoon [00:16:00] period when somebody new joins your family, and we're not in that anymore, but that's not a bad thing. That's a.

We're just kind of relaxed into who our family is and we treat her like we treat our other kids and she calls us mama and dad, and it's been a hard, hard, long year, but also just seamless at the same time, if that makes sense. Hard but seamless. Say more 

Kristen: about that. 

Gwen: Just adjusting to learning new people is a really hard thing to do in your everyday life.

Like Kristen came out and visited and I just, Tim and I decided after that it, it just isn't working yet to have anyone in our home because the dynamics are so different and it had nothing to do with Kristen. It was just, it felt. Awkward to like try to [00:17:00] explain who we are as a family now because it's so unique and so new and tender, right?

And so new and tender. And so we have stopped just allowing overnight guests in our home, which is a boundary that I didn't think I would ever do because I love hosting and we really haven't hosted many people in our home at all because we have been just having to be really protective over. Who we are right now as a family while we figure each other out, because there's a lot to figure out in this.

I don't know if you've met us, but 

Kristen: we're kind of a lot, kind of a lot, both of our families are kind of a lot, right? Yeah. And do you 

Gwen: have and Emma's a lot in her own way. She's got a very complicated story. Yeah, she's got a lot that she's overcome and a lot that she will still overcome, and we've just, [00:18:00] we've just been here figuring it out underground.

It, it feels like we've been underground with a, the little bit of light because we do live in Michigan and it's been winter, so the cave is opening up and spring has arrived. I actually started, um, writing on my substack today about my love of birds. Nice. So yeah, I think you'll all enjoy that post for sure.

Kristen: If you're, if you're over 40, please do. 

Gwen: Yes. Maybe 45 maybe. Um, so that, that's the second child. And then our Ryland man. Whew. That kid just graduated high school. And he's been outta school, what feels like three years already, because he's just been home every day, every minute of every day. But he graduated and he got a amazing GPA [00:19:00] and walked across the stage and he shook hands with five humans and didn't give him his elbow, didn't limp his, his wrist.

It was firm and he shook all their hands. 

Kristen: Wow. 

Gwen: Right. Yeah. 

Kristen: Can we just say that Graham chose not to go to graduation? Yeah. So like there's a wide spectrum of experiences when it comes to graduation. It's a, it's a huge thing to, huge thing. 

Gwen: Yeah. And this was coming from like the awards night. We've never graduated anybody.

So now that we know what Awards night is, we would never ask him to go again, but they all sit on the stage and we're all looking at the stage. So this poor child first. The whole class had entered and we're like, where is he? He has not walked in. Well, of course he was the caboose. That's his position of choice.

And so he was the caboose. [00:20:00] And as he walked onto the stage, the last chair in the back filled up and they made him walk to the third row. And you could just see his body was like, oh hell no. But there was no other choice. And so they put him in the third row on the end, and I kid you not. His head was in his knees the entire hour.

I was so uncomfortable for him. 

Kristen: Yeah, 

Gwen: he had his hat on because he, he bought a, a top hat of sorts and he wears it everywhere he goes. It is his signature item. 

Kristen: Please see, please see the show notes for said top hat in the, okay. Picture, please. Bye. 

Gwen: I'll put it in. It was either that or a hat. Well, you know what?

I'm not gonna tell you what the other choice was 'cause you can go check it out for yourself and you'll understand why. The top hat was the choice, A forced choice by me. Okay, so can [00:21:00] you imagine if you wore that hat at graduation? 

Kristen: No. 

Gwen: So the poor kid was so uncomfortable. He was hanging in the aisle with his head and his knees, and he wasn't involved in anything.

He didn't get an award. He didn't get, you know, an honor. He didn't get mentioned and we made him sit up there. I felt like the worst parent on the planet. 

Kristen: And what did he 

Gwen: say afterwards 

Kristen: about it? 

Gwen: He said, I haven't been that uncomfortable in a really long time. He was outside. He had just like ran away from the whole thing and was just standing outside waiting for us.

He was kind of mad at us, which I didn't blame him. I've never been that uncomfortable in my whole life, and he goes, and I feel disappointed in myself because I didn't even get an award, so I must not have worked hard enough. Right. 

Kristen: Yeah. That's such a bummer. 

Gwen: Oh, I mean, what that kid has like [00:22:00] made it through K to 12 to get where he is.

So that was a real lose lose. I cried a lot as we were sitting there, the whole ceremony, but I couldn't be the mom that runs on stage like, I have to get my child. Oh, godly, come with mama. Let's go get outta here. This is terrible run. But Tim and I did decide that we're gonna contribute a scholarship for next year, and it's gonna be for a neurodivergent overcomer.

So that's how we're gonna make right. What we felt was a disservice to him and a lot of other kids. And then there's kids who didn't show up and now we understand why. 

Kristen: Yeah. 

Gwen: So that was that. But then graduation, he was just part of the crowd. He was engaged. He only yawned I think six times, but nobody could see 

Kristen: because his Oh, but his head wasn't in his lap, was it?

Gwen: Oh, good. And he wore his [00:23:00] cap the whole time. Even though I could tell it was itching the crap out of him. He walked across the stage and I screamed like, I mean so uncalled for the way that I screamed, but I understood why I was screaming in such a way, oh my God. And next to me sat his birth mother, okay?

And that was what it was, and she loved being there. And it, it was, and now it is done. But that was his choice. He wanted to invite birth mom and she was honored to be there. And it just wasn't complicated at all. 

Kristen: Not at all. 

Gwen: No, no. 

Kristen: No complicated feelings for you 

Gwen: whatsoever. No 

Kristen: whatsoever ever. 

Gwen: Woo. But we did it and she was lovely.

And he was so sweet with [00:24:00] her. After the ceremony, she has a hard time in busy environments. Same right with, with him. And he goes, you know what? Hold my hand. I'm gonna take you out of here. 'cause I don't, I don't have a hard time in these environments anymore since I hit puberty. So he held her hand and walked her all the way out of the crowd to the car holding her hand.

Kristen: Such kindness. 

Gwen: Such kindness. And she was like crying. And I was like, yes. Okay, next. 

Kristen: Here we go. All right. Final wrap up needs to be where Ryland is going next. And we've talked about Beacon College. 

Gwen: Yeah. 

Kristen: But. I just kind of can't believe it's here. And he's going to college. He's, he's 

Gwen: going, we decided to pay for their summer program, which really helps students transition to college, remind everybody.

Kristen: College is all about. [00:25:00] 

Gwen: So, and we're gonna do a full episode with one of the head executives at Beacon in the near future. So look for that. But Beacon serves the neurodivergent population, so Neurodivergence in all different ways. A lot of autistic students are there. And so he got in, which, uh, I think about 30.

He would say 51, 50 1% of students get in. So he felt really proud. So he is doing their summer program, which means that he takes a college level math class to prep for what college level courses are. 'cause they're accredited. So the, the standards are the same. The accommodations are natural. Are all there for every student, which is amazing.

And then he will meet with his transition counselor twice a month until he starts. He has virtual hangouts once a month, which I love sitting in the doorway and spying on, and [00:26:00] that's why this backdrop of dragons is behind me. Might I add, there was a virtual hangout last night. Uh, he was very disappointed that no one shared his love of dragons.

So we're still working on finding that person, but he will also go to campus for two weeks. He will live in the dorms. He will socialize, he will take classes on relationships and dating. He will take classes on college preparedness and what that means, he will have a roommate to see how that goes. To see if we want a roommate in the fall.

They take him to theme parks. 

Kristen: This is all happening over the summer. 

Gwen: Correct. Wow. And then we meet with his transition counselor as his parents once a month as well. So the parents are very involved. So that is happening this summer and then he will go, uh, midgut and move in to his new [00:27:00] college. 

Kristen: Wow. And what will that support look like?

That from day to day 

Gwen: it will be significant and I think we should wait and talk about it more during that episode. Okay. Because there's a lot to unpack there. 

Kristen: Okay. 

Gwen: This 

Kristen: is very exciting. 

Gwen: We're 

Kristen: gonna also, it's, it's Vic through the Vogel Zangs on this journey for a school that's built for, as we know, that really navigating the world not built for our kids.

This is a place built specifically for our kids, so I can't wait to hear more about it. 

Gwen: Yes. And one that you have to work really hard to find, navigate, get into paid for. So it feels like a privilege that we can do it, but they do make it accessible. So we'll talk more about that in our episode. And I just want the, the Rylan is, I wanna, I wanna leave with is.

He has been working at the grocery store for three years and has finally just advocated for himself and says, I can't do it anymore. It's [00:28:00] socially too stressful. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my patience with customers. Indeed, he is. He is. So instead of just bringing customers the groceries out, we shouldn't be saying, do you really need me to bring these groceries out for you, for example?

So he's calling out his, his doneness and uh, he just interviewed today for a job at my husband's lettuce farm in the cooler packing lettuce. Ooh. They are owned now by this amazing social enterprise company that hires, uh, I think 70% of their workforce are people with disabilities at a varying level. Wow.

So we're gonna talk about them in an episode two, but he interviewed with them today and he crushed it. Just crushed it. So he is going to be working at the lettuce farm. I can't even. He's like, you know, I run hot, so this shouldn't be a problem for me. And she's like, so it's, it's [00:29:00] 38 degrees. Is that all he said?

Ha.

It just kept cracking jokes like a boss. 

Kristen: Oh God. 

Gwen: Anyway, so that is gonna be the summer. Isn't that great? He is not gonna be here every day, all day. 

Kristen: Oh, it's gonna be amazing. 

Gwen: It's gonna be amazing. So that is the wrap up summary of our children and we're choosing to not talk about 

Kristen: ourselves and we can get more in depth about the things that have been challenging about all of these great updates because they certainly weren't without their, their challenges.

Correct. It's sounding like we just, uh, waved our magic wand and all of this amazingness just happened, but as we all know. That's not how it works, 

Gwen: but we are out of bed today and recording a podcast, so we feel pretty dynamite about that. Yeah, we do 

Kristen: and 

Gwen: we're glad to 

Kristen: be [00:30:00] back and we've missed you all. 

Gwen: We have and we continue to get download after download, and so we appreciate your steadfastness and your loyalty and your interest and what we have to say.

We would really like to continue recording whenever we feel like it, so we're not promising anything other than you'll get updates when you get updates. How's that sound? 

Kristen: That sounds awesome. 

Gwen: Alright, Kristen. I love you much. 

Kristen: Love you much. 

Gwen: Bye.